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JugglerOfJugulars
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Name: Rag\\//Doll
Country: United States
State: Missouri
Metro: Independence
Gender: Male
Interests: My baby. Hanging out with all of my friends. Some I don't even know. Speculating. Oh, and all the stuff the cool kids do. Whatever that may be. Bein a mothafukkin fat kid.
Expertise: Insane Clown Posse, Twiztid, Blaze Ya Dead Homie, Anybody Killa, Esham, Zug Izland, Dark Lotus, Soopa Villains, Kotton Mouth Kings, Tech N9ne, anything Psychopathic, and all rock music...
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
Member Since:
1/17/2004
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I fucking hate it. But hey, who doesn't? All through your life, you look forward to it (I did, anyways)- getting out from under your parents' thumb, making your own way in the world, doing things for yourself, and being your own boss. But there are things they don't tell you about. Decisions that you're forced to make, when life puts you inbetween a rock and a hard place. Responsibilities that your parents, school, no one, really, could educate or prepare you for. Feelings of obligation and devotion that you develop for people, and the commitments and bonds attached to them... Those things can be wonderful, amazingly beautiful, but you're never told what happens when things don't go the way you want them to.
I've been here for two weeks, and every time I'm riding on the highway (Which I do frequently, living in such a tiny town), I see exits to get off at for Kansas City, and it makes my heart ache. I ache for the friends and family I left behind, the places, the familiarity, for my Mom, for my home. Home is where the heart is, and a good portion of mine is two hundred and sixty three miles west of here... But the other part that's with me, belongs to the girl I came down here for. In th epast two weeks she's shown me more care and love than I've had people show me in months of time. She has done every thing within her power and financial means to make sure I'm happy and taken care of, even though I live an hour away from her. She brings me food, spends her gas money on me, I mean fuck, she just bought me a toothbrush and another bottle of Anbesol for my rotten tooth, and not two days ago, after dropping $60 on a battery that died while she was visiting me, she spent her last $4 on some crushed aspirin because I was in such horribe tooth pain.
For the past two hours, I've been having such a violent argument between my heart and my brain that bashing my head against a wall would be preferable to the ongoing struggle between my feelings, and what logic says to me. I've always been the type of person to put others before myself- And I don't say that to make myself sound like a good person, it's just simply that way. I care more about other people than I do myself- Especially those that show as much love and care as Noell has given me. So it goes against my very nature to even consider moving back home- I moved here, more or less, for her, and I know I've made her a lot happier with her life... And I also don't want her to feel as though all of the effort she's managed to cram into two weeks has been a waste. I don't want to be the latest disappointment in her life. And it's right about her you can insert the obligatory yet so overly cliche "but". I feel the need to be home. Noell is possibly the most amazing woman I've ever had the fortune to met and be with, but I'm not happy when she's not here, and I can't expect her to be here as often as she has been. Which, is a LOT, by the way. She stayed from last Saturday up until Thursday- six days away from home, and she called in sick twice to work.
The only thing that's keeping me sane here in this Population 7,000 hellhole and this tiny little house that feels nothing like home is her, and it's unrealistic for me to expect her to be here all the time. Not only that, things aren't going as swimmingly as I expected. Of course, to some these things may be legitimate reasons for not staying, but I personally feel, when I look at what I've written, all I'm doing is making excuses. Part of me is saying I should be able to stay here and make things work.. But there are a lot of other parts telling me a lot of other things. Mainly, I want to stay, so I can give Noell the happiness and the love she deserves, but I want to go home, because I just don't feel right here. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin- If I'm ever alone in the house, I feel like I'm slowly going insane. And my family and friends all want me to come back. The proverbial rock-and-a-hard-place. These are the things you don't get told about when you're little, and I personally think it's bullshit. they never tell you about situations like this- Where things aren't so black and white, and no matter what you do, you're going to hrut someone, someone is going to be unhappy, even yourself, regardless of whether it's what's best for you. And then you aren't prepared to make that decision, because you're so confused, you don't know what's right and what's wrong... And for someone who wants to make the people they care about as happy as he possibly can, it's with the most difficulty that I've decided to move back to KC.
It fucking tears me apart to have to leave Noell, but I feel I need to go home, and for the past couple hours I've been crying my eyes out with that realization, because I don't want to hurt the person who's been so incredibly amazing to me. She meets every expectation I have and more- Her beauty fucking astounds me, both physically and mentally. A beautiful soul, as it were. I guess part of growing up is doing things that you have to do, even if it makes others, or yourself, unhappy. I'd love to be back home, don't get me wrong, but I'm not some uncaring piece of shit that would just forget about what I've left behind, and it will weigh on me. But I'm willing to shoulder that burden, as much as I hate the fact I'm forcing the same one on Noell. I don't want to fuck up my life because I care so much about an amazing woman, but I don't want to completely screw her over, even if it is better for my life.
To reiterate, I have to hurt someone I love in order to get a handle on my life and get my shit straightened out, and it fucking kills me. It doesn't hurt because I'm going to be lonely, and miss her- I can handle that, I've done it many many times before. It hurts because of the suffering I'm inadvertantly and unintentionally causing her. I can handle all the pain in the world, but it ain't fucking right that I'm basically asking her to do the same. I'm not worried about me. I'm worried about her. Because she's incredible, and... Well, I just don't want her to be sad. It's not guilt.. I just care. A lot. A lot a lot. A lot a lot a lot. Ridiculous amounts of care-ige. I'll figure out a way to make it up to her. Some how. I just want her to be happy, regardless of my situation.
She is beautiful. And it's going to be a long time before I stop feeling like a piece of shit for what I'm going to put her through. But I'll find a way to make it right.
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I see all the senior pictures, the projects, the kids with jobs and a nice college to go off to. The baby ads in the yearbook I never bought, never gave two shits about. The cap and gown that I'll never toss in the air.
Why do these things seem important at the most random times?
Jealousy of others' accomplishments I suppose. Fuck em.
I'm doing what I can with what I have.
I'd rather be temporarily without a sense of direction than miserable.
It's easier said than done, because it's been hard times without you.
Maybe it's a growing experience, pains and all.
It's just growing I never wanted to do in the first place.
Oh well. Adapt or die.
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You should know I'll never learn my lesson, if I keep retrieving the blade from my ribs, and handing it back to you.
Stab me again, I'll die eventually.
Just please try to aim for the heart the next time. I'm so tired.
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